Government of Ontario Launches New Power On/Off Notification System

MUST-SEE TV: The Government of Ontario's 'The Power Is On' Television Network was unveiled yesterday in Toronto.

Stung by criticisms that his government was slow to act initially during the blackout, Ontario Premier Ernie Eves announced that a new high-technology power notification system is to be put in place for the province.

"This unique new multimedia system will let all Ontarians know when the power will be on," said Ontario Premier Eves, in a prepared statement from his Orangeville riding office. "Ontarians deserve this. Ontarians deserve me."

With an estimated price tag of $575 million dollars, the ambitious initiative will provide all residents of the province with the ability to find out if the power in fact is still on.

The program includes a dedicated Power Is On. Or Is It? web site, radio and newspaper ads, and a province-wide screaming system, where designated community members will be tasked with setting up phone trees to let neighbours know when the power is still on. Volunteers will then scream that the power is on over high-powered loud speakers and abandoned air raid sirens, every 10-minutes, according to the Premier.

The provincial government announced also that it has obtained a broadcast licence for a dedicated digital television network that will be free to all cable subscribers in Ontario. THE POWER IS ON network will be broadcasting on digital channel 799 as of September 1.

Former Ontario cabinet minister Chris Stockwell, who has been named director of programming for the new station, said that the broadcast format for the station is simple: "Basically, it just says "THE POWER IS ON" on the screen 24/7," said Stockwell. "Pretty sweet gig, eh? And you should see my expense account!"

But what if the power goes off?

"We'll look into changing the text on the screen," responded Ontario's former Energy Minister. "I need to discuss this with my colleagues. In Paris. And Hawaii."

Critics, such as Ontario NDP leader Howard Hampton, have suggested that updating the province's power grid might be a more appropriate usage of public monies.

"Our province doesn't need all of this electioneering. What Ontario's power grid needs is a new coat of paint. Or pretty pink bows on top of our hydro towers," said Hampton.

Dalton McGuinty, leader of the Ontario Liberals, who enjoy a healthy lead in most Ontario opinion polls heading into an impending provincial election, had hockey tape over his mouth. "He's not saying anything until the election is over," said a McGuinty aide. "Cruise control."

Premier Eves scoffed at the criticisms from these bad, evil critic guys. Said the Premier: "It really is a shame that Dalton and what's his name are trying to politicize this tragedy. Hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Ontarians were unable to see my governnment's taxpayer-subsidized political advertisements on television for 24 hours or more. If that's not a tragedy, I don't know what is.

"Besides, it's not like it's costing us anything to rent a studio for the TV network, we've already got a studio for giving budgets," the Premier pointed out.

"See how efficient we are?"