'The Gays' to Make Secretive 'Homosexual Agenda' Public

From an undisclosed backroom in a secret corridor in an unknown Canadian city, 'the Gays' issued a press release announcing that their 'Homosexual Agenda' will be released to the public for the first time.

The publication will hit bookstores on October 14.

"We have succeeded in foisting this Homosexual Agenda upon Parliament, the judiciary, and in our schools and universities, but there is still much work to be done," said the President of 'the Gays,' known only as 'Marcus,' in an exclusive telephone interview. "We need to further gayify Canada, and letting all Canadians know about our plans will only help our cause."

The ultimate goal, said the leader of 'the Gays,' is to have all Canadians living in a gay utopia, where they will all be forced to sip latte in trendy coffee bars, march in gay pride parades, and shop only in boutiques. "They will all slowly and surely be converted to gaydom. We're going to turn the whole country into one big gay village.

"I've already given too much away. I don't want to cut in to book sales any more than I already have."

For those who just can't wait, Marcus said that an excerpt from the Homosexual Agenda will appear in next week's edition of Macleans magazine.

Do you think that allowing us to marry is where we'll stop? No sir! I don't want to tip my hand, but that's just the thin edge of the wedge….

-Marcus, President of 'the Gays'

Rank-and-file members of 'the Gays' were excited that all Canadians will be able to read about their group's exciting new agenda: "Ever since I joined the gays back in my 30's because of their kick-ass medical and dental benefit plan, I've wanted to do my part to ensure that us gays are forcing our homosexuality down the throats of all Quebecers and all Canadians," said Paul DuChateau of Quebec City. "I can't wait to give out copies of the Homosexual Agenda to all of my straight friends, as well as my estranged parents who threw me out of the house and disowned me when I came out. Then they'll understand."

Prospective members of 'the gays' were equally enthusiastic. "I've been considering becoming one of 'those gays' for quite some time now," said aspiring gay Earl Daschenfreud of Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. "Reading this draft copy of the Homosexual Agenda is really making it an easy decision for me to make this lifestyle choice....I only hope they accept my membership application!"

But speculation has already begun as to what the document will contain. Being a former member of 'the gays,' James Bushilniski of Yorkton, Saskatchewan, is one of Canada's biggest experts on this group that has received so much media attention recently. "I have some idea as to what the Homosexual Agenda will contain," claimed Bushilinski.

"When you join the gays, you are given this "agenda" document, and you are sworn to secrecy," he insisted as he made that quotation gesture thingy with his hands. "Thank the Lord above I was cured from this immoral lifestyle by the spiritual guidance of the Toastmasters," continued the grain farmer, who moved to Saskatchewan from Vancouver several years ago when he decided not to be gay anymore.

Plans to release the Homosexual Agenda were met with a predictably negative reaction among conservative politicians and political leaders, as well as among average suburban voters.

Thehammer.ca has obtained a draft cover of the 'Homosexual Agenda' (on sale in book stores on October 14).

"I don't let my kids play outside anymore, lest they be confronted by one of those gays," said Jane Weigh-Station of Oshawa. "Or worse still, one of those married gays!

"I'm not gonna read that agenda thing! Unless it's to strengthen my ill-informed arguments when my gay sister comes to visit."

Reports have indicated that heterosexual marriages are also falling apart left, right and center across the country, due to the legalization of gay marriage.

Bernice Xavier of Comox, B.C., said that her husband left her and their three children because of gay marriage. "My lawyer said that gays marryin' is grounds for divorce now," insisted Xavier. "Once he saw those gays gettin' married on the TV, he just got up out of the chair and drove off....it's definitely 'cause of gay marriage that he left us, and not because of his tendency to go on week-long drinking binges.

"It's not like I'm...homophobic or anything, I'm just really afraid of homosexuals. I tell you, the gays, they're just something else...really, they are."

New Brunswick Tory MP Elsie Wayne, who caused a ruckus in May of this year when she made controversial comments regarding 'the Gays' and gay marriage in the House of Commons, was standing on a street corner yelling stuff. "I don't need to read the book. The stated goal of 'the Gays' is to take over Parliament and the Supreme Court and make us all turn into one of them-this is a fact," said Wayne. "Next thing you know, armed gays will be launching their gay revolution upon us."

The President of 'the gays' refused to deny Wayne's assertion. "No, no, Elsie has got us figured out dead to rights-it's true. Someone must have slipped her an advance copy.

"Think of how much better dressed and happier those angry Canadian Alliance and Conservative folks will be when we force them all to turn gay!!! I can't wait to see Ralph Klein with 6-pack abs and a little skin moisturizer!!!"