Alliance MP to Leave Parliament to Return to Bear Wrestling
OTTAWA: Amidst fallout from his involvement in
the infamous and mysterious spy hiring incident to “dig up dirt”
on the Prime Minister, Canadian Alliance MP Darrell Stinson (Okanagan-Shuwsap,
B.C.) has revealed that he will be leaving the House of Commons by
the end of the year to return to his first love: bear wrestling.
Reading from a prepared statement at a press conference at the
National Press Gallery, an emotional Stinson admitted that although
he acknowledges and appreciates the trust that “the good people
of Okanagan-Shuswap have shown in me at the electoral polls, I have
never been able to get bear wrestling out of my system.”
“The growl of the ferocious grizzly as he takes you to the
ground, with that look in his eyes like he’s gonna kill ya……much
as I have tried, the House of Commons just doesn’t give me
that rush,” said Stinson.
Stinson was a star of the Western Canada bear wrestling circuit
throughout the 70’s and early 80’s before entering politics.
“Stinson has balls (testicles) of brass,” said noted bear
wrestling journalist and commentator Charles “Tex” McComb
of Kamloops. “Although diminutive in stature, the man was absolutely
fearless when he stared down a hungry 800 pound grizzly, which is
what set him apart from your average, run of the mill bear wrestler,”
assessed McComb. “I just hope he still has that killer instinct,
for the sake of the man’s legend, and for the sake of the sport.”
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In his eight years as a Member of Parliament, Stinson will be best
remembered in Ottawa for calling Liberal backbencher John Cannis
a “son of a bitch” and challenging him to a fight after
a heated exchange in the House in 1997, branding then Conservative
leader Jean Charest a “fat little chubby little sucker”
just inches from Charest’s face in 1998 in the hallowed halls
of Parliament, attending the inaugural meeting of the Alberta Independence
Party in the fall of 2000 and savagely beating three members of
the Hell’s Angels after a night of beer drinking at the Chateau
Lafayette, a bar near Parliament Hill, during a wild brawl in the
spring of 1999 that featured several other Alliance MPs, including
Myron Thompson (Wild Rose, Alberta) Randy White (Langley-Abbotsford,
B.C.) and Val Meredith (South Surrey-White Rock-Langley, B.C.)
Time to Get Out of Ottawa
“Not only do I miss bear wrestling with all my heart, I figure
it’s best time that I move on out of Ottawa before I turn all
queer from spending too much time in the east,” Stinson tersely
commented through clenched teeth.
“Besides, Hair Gel Pretty Boy (a thinly veiled reference to
besieged Alliance leader Stockwell Day) never lets me talk no more
about nothin’ in the House. I guess I embarrass him or something
like that…” added the feisty MP before trailing off into
a stream of profanity.
Reached for comment on the summit of Mount Logan, Day was surprised
to learn of Stinson’s resignation after being reminded by a
Sherpa aid who Stinson was. The leader reacted with shock before
muttering praise for the Member, commending him for his “eight
years of dedication in fighting for the people of Okanagan-Shuswap,
and for all Canadians tired of Liberal arrogance and waste.”
Day also wished Stinson all the best in his bear wrestling pursuits
and called him “a true champion.”
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